A broken windscreen or a broken heart?

A WEEK AGO,

On a Sunday, i was about to go cycling with my son. As i carry my son's bicycle, in a rush manner, i accidentally broke my car's windscreen.  Ooucchh!  My heart grieves a little as it was a 6 months old car.  After some background check, i found out that i need to spend certain amount of money to get it fixed.

Later i realized that this amount is my tuition fees for the following life lessons  :

1. Do not rush, in whatever you do.   


2. Everyone make mistakes. Which human being does not make mistakes? 

To err is human; to forgive, divine. Alexander Pope
Read more at: https://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/alexander_pope_101451

o err is human; to forgive, divine. Alexander Pope
Read more at: https://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/alexander_pope_101451

3. Do not be harsh with those who make mistakes

Since I was not angry with my own mistake, i shall not be angry with other people's mistakes. Most mistakes are unintentional and everyone should be given a second or third chance to learn from their mistakes.  

4. It is better to break my windscreen than to break the heart of my loved ones.

I can spend some money to replace the broken windscreen although it will hurt my wallet, however, i will NEVER be able to fix a broken heart of a human soul which will be traumatized forever. 

So, always be wise and discern the right thing to do or say.

I think this tuition fees is well spent after all.

Vincent

 



 

A time to grief and mourn.

A time to grief and mourn.

When tragedy struck, how long do we need to recover?

Or do we ever fully recovered from a major and permanent loss? Loss of a loved one or a shattered dream of having a child?

Given a certain amount of time after the tragedy, can we rejoice even when there are some good news around us? We probably do not have the heart to feel any joy. 

I  believe that the grieving and mourning process has an unknown time limit. Even if the rational mind chooses to accept the truth and realities of life, the emotions may refuse to “ let go” or “move on”.  Why is it so? How can this happen to us?

It is as though the spirit/mind is willing but the flesh/emotions is weak.

I believe that one of the reasons could be due to our mental fixations or attachments to certain emotional securities,  desires,  wishes, hopes and expectations from life and our fantasized future. So unless, we gradually give up these deeply rooted dreams and replace it with a new reality, we may remain in a state of mental fixations and prolong mourning. 

For example, a wife eagerly wishes to see that she could grow old with her loving and caring husband, travel the world together and spend happy days with their grandchildren. She was devastated when her husband died due to a sudden heart attack because she suddenly suffered not a loss but multiple losses of her sense of emotional security, hopes, dreams, desires and plans. She has to nurse her wounds of losses and gradually gather her courage rewrite her plans, hopes and dreams. She needs to redefine her sense of security. 

Hence, we need to mourn over our losses. We need to undergo emotional work. We need to digest, process and let time heal our wounds, hurts, disappointments, insecurities and probably guilt. 

We need time. 

So, to those who are out there mourning, give yourself time to grief, mourn and heal. Give yourself time to realign your desires, hopes and dreams with the Truth and Realities of life.  

And hopefully, we will all be healed and be able to find the courage to continue to embrace life on earth with all its peace, wonder, meaning, good pleasures as well as its challenges and growing pains.

Let us not walk alone but journey together with our fellow brothers and sisters.  

Vincent

Grief

Today, I would like to share my personal experiences with grief.

It is such a heavy and intense feeling in the chest.

It takes away all the the joy and pleasure of things right in front of you. There is no mood to do anything during the intense moment of grief.

It is an emotional pain which is so difficult to describe

There is sadness, sorrow,  inner crying and sometimes the need to scream out the bottled up emotions. 


Recently, i have loss a precious personal item which is quite important to me.  At first, i do not believe it and went on an intense search.  After days of intense and frantic searching, reality begin to sink in that i have really lost it and it is gone forever.

Even tough my rational voice tells me that " It is okay " and that " there are other more important things is life". My heart desperately needed to mourn and grief over the loss.

Days  and weeks passed by and I have been gradually recovering from my loss. I realized that life is more than the material things which we often attached to so very closely.

I also discovered that there is such concept such as the "role of a grieving person". If I become fixated and preoccupied with this role , like a hat which i am wearing, it will utterly consume and distract me from my daily meaningful activities. Simply because the strong waves of grieving emotions may overwhelm me.  So, I need to remove the " grieving hat " and put on other "hats" (roles) in my life such as a father, husband, son, mental health professional, friend, teacher, leader, servant,  etc. 

I talked to a few of my close friends and it is such a joy to be able to have someone journeying with my grieving.

As I looked back into my life, i realized that it has been a series of moment of thanksgiving as well as painful losses. When i looked around and list down those who has experiences losses, be it loss of health,  loss of relationships ( family and friends ) or financial loss, the list went on and on.

So, folks, I came to this conclusion that nothing is permanent in life. Everything will come to pass. So if we hold on dearly to impermanent material things in this earthly life, we are bound to suffer more material griefs

So, I shall seek out those things that will last for eternity such as Love and Hope for the Heaven.



You can't take your money to heaven but you can surely take your children to heaven with you.


Lou Holtz
(American football coach )

Expressing our feelings

All of us have feelings because we are human beings.

Dr Daniel Goleman wrote a best seller called  Emotional Intelligence

Today, I am just looking at a particular aspect of feelings. The question is : Is it right for us to categorize feelings into positive or negative?

Can we say that positives emotions includes happiness, excitement, hopeful  while negative feelings includes sadness, disappointment, guilt, anger, disgust, fear etc ?

The answer is a big big NO. We cannot and must not classify our feelings into these 2 category in a “all or none”  manner.

Emotions or feelings is simply a human response to situations or circumstances around us. It is essential for our survival !  Imagine if we bump into a king cobra snake  and we do not have feelings!

Feelings are complex. We may have not only a single emotion at a time but a mixture of it. Feelings are influence by our genetic ( biological makeup ) as well as environmental ( upbringing and present circumstances ).

It is biological because certain brain structures such amygdala or hypothalamus regulate the emotional traffic in our brains.  It is environmental because early childhood experiences affects the child’s personality and how he or she perceives the world, as secure place or a highly dangerous zone .

So is fear a negative or positive feelings?  Excessive fears to social situations may be disabling. However, the Singaporean mountain climber, Khoo Swee Chiow who scaled Everest for three times, relies heavily on his fears to assess the amount of danger to help him managed the degree of risk he need to take during his climb

By labeling feelings as positive as negative, we will automatically create an unhealthy label towards a child who are experiencing sadness or disappointment due to school bullies.  Responses such as “ you should not feel this way “ or “ Just ignore them” , " stop behaving negatively" happens all too often.  Hence the child may experience shame and embarrassment and prevented from healthy expression of their feelings. The feelings will be push down for years until it explodes like a volcano on an unexpected day.

In short, feelings are real and they are simply feelings.  It is a signal which tells us about how someone is coping or dealing with his or her present situation.  Feelings must be allowed to be expressed and not to be labelled as positive or negative.

Feelings need to be listened to with patience and understanding. When feelings are handled carefully and wisely,  every child will grow up with emotional maturity and intelligence.

Here a great video entitled “Man Up” which featured Gus Worland, radio star from Australia helping us (especially men) to express our feelings.

The Right Dose of Pain in Life

I am sure most of us are familiar with the term " No pain , no gain ".  But how much pain can we actually handle or cope with?

Early this year, I have my first experience with a severe toothache. It was a severe pain during a long public holiday. As such, my regular dentist was closed for a week long holiday.

The intense pain was severe, throbbing and excruciating, to say the least.  It was persistent too.   After 2 days of enduring the pain, it became some unbearable and disabling and I finally surrender!  I resorted to pain killers which gave me some degree of relief and respite. After about week of physical and mental torment, my dentist save my day and repaired my tooth.

My second experience of pain was  rather brief but enlightening.  A week ago, after two hours of jogging with my son, I developed severe muscular pain over my leg muscles and both my knees. Every step i took was painful. It was painful when i climbed the stairs too and i was literally limping when i walked down the stair.  At last, i have a glimpse of how it felt like for senior citizens who need to cope with severe joint pains due to degenerative diseases.

Pain can be a good or a bad thing. Depending on the degree and how long it lasted.

Pain sensations helps us to detect danger such as  a hot kettle or a nail on the ground A headache or stomach ache may be a signal to something wrong in the brain or the digestive system and may prompt us to seek the help of a doctor.

Emotional pain or distress such as severe and prolong anxiety, panic attack, depressed feelings should prompt us to find out what is wrong with our daily life, coping style, stress level at work or our relationships and re-evaluate our social support system.

However,  severe and intense pain is not something that we would really welcome. Severe and prolong pain causes huge suffering to any human being. And everyone who are in such pain, be it physical or emotional should be given due concern and understanding. 

Guilt : The powerful emotion

GUILT IS A POWERFUL EMOTION.

Healthy sense of guilt help us to reflect on our mistakes.  We could then rectify it and move on in life.

Unhealthy guilt or excessive guilt could wreck our emotions leading to excessive self blame, painful regrets or even severe depressive state.

Many a times, the feelings of guilt is so strong and overwhelming even though there is no evidence of wrong doing !!  This is called irrational or illogical guilt.

Some of us may have certain temperament or higher tendency to feel guilty.  It may be due to a harsh self-critical tendency or high expectations of self. It could be due to difficult childhood experiences.

However, the absence of guilt feelings may spell danger too. It may result in extreme self-righteousness  with no regards for what is right or wrong!

So what is the key element ?

1) Seek and understand the Truth about what is right and wrong.

2) Understand that none of us is perfect. We all make mistakes and learn from it daily.

3) Knowing that we only need to do the right thing and not to please anyone's expectations.

4) Knowing that we just need to try.  And do what we CAN DO. Not what we cannot do.

So folks, I shall leave you with my favourite quote by Mother Teresa.

Letter from Father series

My beloved children, this video clip is meaningful for Daddy. Please view it with an open mind and heart. :)

Love,
Daddy

The Rules for Pleasure

Letter to my children series : Rules for pleasure.

Experiencing pleasures in life is like walking through a hotel corridor. I am heading towards a destination to attend a meeting. However, there are many rooms along the corridor. Imagine that these hotels rooms are not occupied and I am free to explore these rooms, from the Presidential suite to the junior suites.

And there are gyms, sauna and a relaxing swimming in the hotel. I may take a refreshing swim before I proceed for my meeting. Besides, I need to be mindful of the feelings of my loved ones and that some rooms are strictly prohibited. And I should not indulge in my swim or sauna, otherwise I may not reach my meeting venue on time.

Dr. Ravi Zacharias, a renowned philosopher and apologist shared that there is indeed a guiding principles on experiencing pleasures in life.

He quoted from F.W. Boreham , 3 rules for experiencing pleasure.

1) Whatever that refreshes us but does not compromise our final goal/purpose in life is a legitimate pleasure.

2) Any pleasure that jeopardize the sacred rights of another person is an illegitimate pleasure.

3) Experience pleasures in moderate amounts and do not indulge.


Rule No. 1 : 

Simple pleasures which help us to relax and gives us joy are legitimate needs. However, it should not compromise our value system or lead us away from our desired purpose in life.

So what’s the catch here? We need to discover “What is our final goal or purpose in life?”


Rule No. 2 : 

We need to experience pleasures within the boundaries of mutual respect and observing the  dignity of our loved ones as well as our fellow human beings.

Rule No. 3 : 

We need to enjoy pleasures in reasonable and moderate degree and amount to avoid  indulgence or addiction.  


Pleasures without conscience are illegitimate pleasures 
                                                                                                             Mahatma Gandhi

The Inner War

The Inner War : 2

My beloved children,

In the month of July 2014, when all of you were still very young, I wonder if you remember that we spend really good time watching the movie “ Frozen”.

And Daddy remember this early scene where one of the princess, while playing with her sister, fell and injured her head and became unconscious. Her parents was in a state of panic and quickly rushed her to meet the great healer in the kingdom. And here is what the healer said to the King, “ King, you are lucky, it is not the heart, the heart is not so easily change but the head can be persuaded”

Daddy would presumed that the word "heart" in the movie was referred as the centre of human emotions and desires.

Each day, we are confronted with events which requires us to make good choices. And we need to exercise both our mind, emotions(feelings) and our soul to make good and wise choices or decisions. There will always be a tug of war between your soul , mind and the emotions. Always remember that our emotions are often instinctive, intuitive as well as reactive. The human emotions cares more for the human survival, eg anger, fear, love, lust and pleasures. Meanwhile the human mind are very vulnerable and may be easily hijacked by our emotions. So, who can rescue us from the power of our emotions?

It is the soul or sometimes referred as the conscience. The soul seeks not the wisdom of the limited human mind but the ultimate wisdom from the great Truths and the wisdom of the Creator.

Therefore, my beloved children, Daddy urges all of you to give the highest priority to the voices of the inner soul , more than the mind or the feelings, in your daily choices.

With unconditional love

Daddy

http://www.brainmindspecialist.com/

Meaningful moments

This morning, while I was working, there was a strange feeling in me. It was a brief moment of feeling low and down. So I began to search deeper within me to find out the cause.

But the cause was not immediately obvious to me. I wondered whether I was feeling a little anxious about a chairing session which i was not fully prepared on the coming Thursday.

So I did a quick search on the speaker's profile and got all the info that i need to introduced the speaker for that day.

Perhaps it was something else that trigger that feeling. Guess what?  I feel much better towards the later part of the day.

So I concluded that an anxious moment may make us feel low sometimes. And it is absolutely okay to feel anxious and low mood for brief moments. Life is a series of ups, downs and neutral or peaceful moments. We cannot be happy and ecstatic all the time.

I also realized that the the driving force for each waking day is my awareness of personal passion.

So what motivates us each moment in our day?

1) The pearls of wisdom i gain from every client I see.
2) The unique experiences that each client presents to me.
3) Support from our working team mates.
4) Each daily experience help me to feel nearer to my Creator. Be it joyful moments or moments of pain and grief.
5) Soothing Music which accompanies me even as i journey the day
6) Gestures of thanks and appreciation from the people whom we have helped
7) Looking forward for a hug or smile from our loved ones or friends ( Relationships )

I believe these will make each moment counts. Each moment meaningful.

Vincent 

Life is a Game

Letters to my children : 1

Life is a Game

My beloved children,

Daddy just want you all to know that life is like playing a game. It is almost like a treasure hunt.

The problem in life is that you cannot choose where to start the game. Some people are born in the developed countries e.g. America or Australia while others are born in less developed countries. Some people are fortunate to have nurturing families while others may be deprived of basic physical or emotional needs.

Nevertheless, there will be a time when you will attain the ability to THINK, and take control of your own mind and thoughts. This is the time for you to learn and master the Game of Life.

In any games, there are Rules to follow. This means that there are certain behaviors that are not encouraged and you will need to exercise self-restraint. Otherwise your winnings will be considered invalid or you will be disqualified.

If you continue to think and do the right thing, you will collect Reward points as you progresses in the game of life.   And there is a purpose and a goal in the game. In Treasure Hunt, the purpose of the game is to uncover the hidden treasures.

Look out for trusted team player in your game. Journey together as a team until you reach your final goal. Never play the game alone.

With Love
Daddy
http://www.brainmindspecialist.com/

“If you want to get warm you must stand near the fire: if you want to be wet you must get into the water. If you want joy, power, peace, eternal life, you must get close to, or even into, the thing that has them.”
― C.S. Lewis

The is no health without Mental Health.

There is no health without Mental Health. ( World Health Organization, WHO ) For more info please visithttps://www.facebook.com/psychiatrist.klang/

Unconditional love

There was a young girl in her early 20’s who was feeling very sad and dejected. She cries each day as she nursed her deep emotional hurts and pain. The pain of being rejected by her boyfriend. The pain of rejecting her own self.  She wrestles with intense feelings of guilt and regrets. She was experiencing a breakup in her relationship. This is her second failed relationship.  When she was young, she have always felt that she is the “black sheep” in her family.

Why are there so much rejection in this world? Human being are not products , goods or comodity. We may reject damaged goods, imperfect products or poor quality crops. But the way we treat human being should never be like the way we handle manufacturing items.

We need to learn to be more nurturing and accepting. We need to be less self-centered. There must be more understanding and sensitivity. As parents, loving our children is not enough. We need to love, accept and respect them unconditionally.

Many a times, as parents, we either consciously or unconsciously expressed conditional love and care to our children. It’s like “ if I do this to you, I expect this in return” or “ if you do not listen to me, then I don’t love you”. 

Unconditional love is rare and endangered nowadays. To love unconditionally is to love without a personal agenda.  It means the willingness and ability to extend ourselves to accept someone for who they are and not what they have done or not done. It is loving and accepting someone without expecting anything in return. It is respecting a person who is worthy in their own ways.  It is accepting a person’s strengths and weaknesses. It is the only ingredient for a human being to grow and achieve their full potential.

But where can we find unconditional love? 

  

The ultimate lesson all of us have to learn is unconditional love, which includes not only others but ourselves as well.

                                                                                             Elisabeth Kubler-Ross

True Confidence

Confidence is the key word for the market place. People often admire those who appear confident in speech or behaviour.

But where do confidence derived from ?  What is the definition of confidence? What are the causes of lack of confidence?

Well, I am not going to dwell too much into the details and theory about confidence.

I believe that true confidence is derived from the knowledge of the Truth.  Because True confidence is a solid anchor that stands firm although it may be occasionally swayed or shaken during times of trials. It is an unwavering belief about our own self-worth  and accepting our ability/talents/gifts and limitations. It is experiencing total acceptance and unconditional love from our parents /mentors or our Creator.

Shaky confidence happens when our confidence level  depends on our changing perceptions about our self-worth.  Sometimes  we allow our fluctuating emotions to affect how we think about ourselves. If this is the case , our self-confidence will be subjected to our changing emotions!!

Our self-worth and dignity also derives from living our lives with clear conscience.  We try to do the right things with right and pure motives in our heart. We may be able to hide our evil agenda from others but we cannot lie or live in denial.  If we live a life of lies and denial with self-justification, it is only a matter of time before we will wept bitterly with regrets and guilt feeling. Nevertheless, if we sincerely and honestly repent from our wrong doings or dishonest ways, we can experience forgiveness and renewal of self from the Higher One.  Therefore a pure and righteous ( morally upright ) living is a key criteria for self-confidence.

In summary, true confidence is built on the foundation of the knowledge of the Truth /Creator . The Truth will inform us about our true self-worth and dignity. We need to strive and try to live pure and righteous life. Let us always be true and brutally honest with ourselves and our conscience.   

No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.  ~Eleanor Roosevelt

When there is no enemy within, the enemies outside cannot hurt you.  ~African Proverb

The 8th Sense

The 8th Sense.

Perhaps most of us who need to work each day have to wake up early with an alarm clock. How do you feel first thing in the morning? That "aarrrgh " feeling that i have gotta push away the blanket and get up.

And i realized that the first 15 minutes of the day is the time our body needs to struggle to get up. At that time i would feel pretty lousy and "blue". But the feeling may gradually disappear if i begin to feed myself with healthy thoughts for the day or say a prayer of thanksgiving.

Therefore, i believed that we not only have 5 senses ( vision, hearing, smell, taste and touch ) BUT we actually have 8 senses! So what are the additional 3 senses?   It's awarenss of our emotional sense, thoughts / mind and our soul / spirit . And the 8th sense is the spiritual sense.

The early morning "battle of the blanket" is the emotional sense. But if we allow this emotion to overwhelm us, then it will certainly ruin the rest of the day. Hence , we need to switch on our thoughts or spiritual senses.

When we begin to awake our spiritual senses, it will certainly brings forth MEANING and purposeful thoughts and thus positive e-motion will flow freely.

Of course, most of us will still be highly motivated by being aware of  our Mind / Thoughts. But are we missing out on the higher sense?


We are not human beings having a spiritual experience. We are spiritual beings having a human experience.
 - Pierre Teilhard de Chardin



Vincent

What is health ?

 

The World Health Organization (WHO) defined health as "a state of complete physical, mental, and social well-being and not merely the absence of disease or infirmity".

Therefore a  complete sense of well being involves the journey of nurturing our physical, mental and spiritual health.

Total mental health involves not only treatment of emotional issues but discovering and developing the strengths, abilities and talents which is inherent in every individual.

 

"Life is difficult. This is the great truth, one of the greatest truths -  it is a great truth because once we see this truth, we transcend it."                              

                                                                                                            M. Scott Peck

About Mental Health

Mental illness is a Medical illness.

Just like any other medical illnesses e.g. hypertension or diabetes, treatments are available for people suffering from mental illness.

They deserved to get well and resume a normal life.

We should not treat people suffering from mental illness as abnormal, but as human being with dignity and every right for medical care and attention.

                                                            

 

Dr. Vincent Wong Choong Wai

Consultant Psychiatrist

Malaysia

Mental Health : Self Assessment

Mental Health Checklist

• Anxiety Symptoms
• Depressive Symptoms
• Bipolar Disorder
• Psychosis

Mental Health Videos

Contact me

Dr. Wong Specialist Clinic ( Psychiatry )
62A-1, Lorong Batu Nilam 21A
Bandar Bukit Tinggi 2
41200 Klang
Selangor
Malaysia


Clinic Whatsapp :  017-7089112


   

Dr. Vincent Wong

Email : vinjoes@yahoo.com / vinjoes@gmail.com